No one is saving me

So, I don't know where to start... well, first of all.. its morning which means im still asleep. I actually took one of those 5 hour energy shot and its kinda working... I can drink coffee but... i hate the taste of it... the smell is amazing! But the taste? Nope. 

So you're probably wondering what youre going to read today.. im wondering the same thing. 

Lately .. more like the past few years... I've been feeling sooooo unfulfilled, im in my mid 20's. (I MEAN IM STILL 19)  and still have no idea what i want to do with my life... i think i have an idea but not sure where to start.

Sometimes i feel like i have so much sadness in my heart, for 2 reasons, my personal problems and most of all.. the problems in the world.. i feel too much and i hate it. I can enter a room and immediately feel what other people are feeling, happiness, excitement and especially sadness... i want to help people out but I want to help myself first, the way i feel can also affect the people around me, and yea i totally get that we cant always feel 100% all the time, we have to feel sad sometimes.. its part of being human. But this is a constant battle... the fact im still standing im not sure if im winning or losing.. im in the middle of it. 

I also feel that i don't belong in this time period, yah, i know ..crazy! But i somehow feel like i had a past life in the 70's.. I don't know man, but i have a strong connection for the past, i like this quote from a movie that i love, " Nostalgia, is denial of the painful present," The name for this denial is golden age thinking the erroneous notion that different time period is better than the one one's living in. It's a flow in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present. -A Midnight in Paris

That little quote resonated with me for quite some time, and i think because it's not that i had a past life, but i want to go back in time to my childhood and perhaps start all over again and maybe fix 

where i went wrong, but also.. did i went wrong? Or am i meant to feel this way now? And will that follow up with my happiness? 

Do you see my problem now? I have no idea what's going on 

BUT! Regardless...... i have to focus on the NOW.. and that is all we got.. now and the future... but sometimes i cant stop feeling well.. this feeling.. 

i often feel like im waiting, and i know in some cases that's not ok... 

but waiting for what? That's what I don't understand. Am i stalling? I do want to live my life, Am i waiting for the right person to come along and make my problems go away? Can people do that? Make them feel ok? But what if they feel the same way as i? And expect me to fix them?  

Yea, i have soooo many questions.. but that's all i do! Ask myself what's wrong with me..

Sometimes i cant think... it feels like my mind is too cluttered, but then i ask myself.. of what? 

I'm young.. my mind should be fresh of new ideas and should have much room for new experiences, as im writing this im taking long pauses and just stare at the chair across me.. listening to The Aviator soundtrack music filled with wonderful 40's music and just imagine myself sitting by the fire, and in front of me with the person i love the most, and just enjoying eachother's company... no talking... just feeling, its the most powerful connection. Also wishing i could dance...i have no rhythm.

Anyways...

I have many problems i am going through and what i wrote above is not even the beginning but that's another story and shall be told another time, 

I'm slowly realizing that only i can save me, i am a warrior of my own life. No one knows what goes through my head only me, no one understands me better than me.

Some days are shit. But just because a day or many days are crap doesn't mean your whole life is...

I think about life a lot and think why am i here and not there... well... this is my life here and now. so i better make the best of it for right now...  

no matter what im going to try and make an effort to do what feels right and not think about should've  could've, would've 

I don't want that to destroy my spirit. 

And to finally see what potential i have. 

So these are my thoughts for this morning and trust me i have many of those, will i make sense.. probably not, but hopefully someone out there understands what's going on with me

K thankssss byyeeee  

Put a Bullet in my brain

Put a Bullet in my brain 

and make my pain marvelous,

 make me relive my happiest moments of my waking life.

Don't be afraid to let go because i already have, 

im not going to change my mind, for it already had changed.

i wont miss the Sun or the Moon

 for they are in me

i AM the Sun and Moon.

Dont cry, 

the Oceans, Lakes and the Rivers are full of many tears. 

i cannot stay.

(unfinished)

am i ok?

I refuse to be a victim. its been probably 6 to 7 years or even my whole life that ive been feeling like this. Don't know if im overly sensitive, or just constantly sad, or even have that dreadful depression. not sure, but what i do know is that i wont go to a doctor, i haven't seen the doc. for 6 years. im fine. but i don't want someone to tell me i have something and all they'll hand out is pills. im a stubborn person, the only way i'll take medicine is if im on my deathbed, which recently ive been walking right beside it. I don't make myself sad, the world makes me sad, the troubles, the hate.... i feel guilty for being happy, its not that i don't deserve to be happy but just thinking many are suffering at the moment. its a constant thought in my mind. then thinking "wow im so lucky to have the life that i do" and yet i feel im wasting it because im lost, not sure who i am, i mean, i know who i am but not quite sure what's my purpose. 

Sometimes i feel so out of place, i feel like i don't belong, i don't belong in this time. im always yearning to go back, but go back where? honestly i don't know, but its a strong feeling that im not from here, ok i know sounds crazy, but i don't care. its what i feel, and i cannot deny that.

am i from a different time? is this why i have a fascination of different time periods? are souls from different eras within  me? i don't know, i do believe in reincarnation because why not? but then again its my belief. ive just been distracting myself this whole time from feeling like this and no, im not sad all the time, i know my worth, i like myself somewhat, and if i don't like something physically or mentally about myself i try to change it. its just waves of feelings come over me and try to wash me away, but hey! im still standing and thats something i should be proud of. and to always have hope. days will be dark as the thought of loneliness but other days will be bright as the warmth of the sun when it hits you on the first day of summer. 

just a thought of the night. 

         and i welcome many more. 

       

                  Love, Carol. 

September issue

 

 

Got my September issue from Vogue today!, well, actually I didn't know I was going to get it, anyways, I got it and it's HUGE

I like fashion magazines they're really great to look at! I sometimes don't like the clothes they wear from different brands but some are cute!. But you see, I look at fashion magazines in a different way than most people, and I know others do this too! I look at them to get inspiration. I look at their makeup, hair, nails, and some clothing items and imagine in my head what clothes do I have to imitate this without going out to and spend money, I don't want to straight up copy like the models, but I just want to see of I can pull it off! 

Let me tell you how I've always looked at magazines and models, 

When I was younger, in my early teens and late teens... I really wasn't vulnerable on the pressures on how to look in a certain way based on society views (I'm the same way today)

I guess you can call me lazy or just don't care on how people physically view me

At a young age somehow I understood why models looked in a certain way and what the designers were doing,

Each fashion designer is different they each have a look they want to perceive or they do something very extravagant to advertise their products! For example makeup models... THEY HAVE THE CLEAREST SKIN IN LIFE and no pores???? Gurl, well know that every one has pores and we can surely see  them with high def. cameras. But we don't see that because they feel that's too distracting from that they're trying to sell, whether it's eyeshadow or mascara (which by the way, they need to STOP using fake lashes specifically when they are advertising mascara) so, that's understandable. I don't believe that you must wear everything that is straight off the runway, I think you should only take what you need, and make it your own

Like for example, YouTube makeup videos, you don't HAVE to use the exact same thing as the person is using if you don't have the same brands but the same color you're set!! Take what you need, and of course you can copy step by step and use the same brands as they used but you don't need to. 

So as far as fashion it's alright, it's whatever they're not forcing us a certain way but US as a society were forcing us to look a certain way, I don't know that's how I feel about that. 

Ok so let's talk about the cover of this month's issue! Kendall Jenner, she is so admirable because I love how she kind of separated herself form the "Kardashian brand" and is pursuing a career of her own!  And I bet it's not easy, knowing where you're from to branch out and try new things because maybe some may think of you in a certain way because of your name. And I think she's a great model. (Of whatever she's doing, I really don't follow people) 

Also I'm going to destroy this Magazine.... Lol as in I'm going to cut up some pages and make a vision board! I haven't made one in YEARS! I remember I had 2 when I was around 15 years old! They were amazing it had Lauren Conrad and some of the Hills cast members idk I LOVED THAT SHOW OKAY! Anyways.. Going to make one, I've made a couple on my phone with different apps but it's not the same because it's such a drag to turn on your phone and have to stare at a screen, SO I decided to make a "fashion" vision board since I have this magazine, I mean I'm not really into fashion but I guess I'll give it a go! Maybe I'll make a post on how it looks like! 

Goodbye for now. 

Sick days

ah! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, ... Being sick that is, I rarely get sick and when I do it's horrid! I have a sore throat and it's not fun, especially when you wake up in the morning! For some reason it's 10x worse! BUT alas! I do have a remedy for a mild sore throat! Ready!? Ok so what I do to soothe the soreness and the tickle in your throat is make a jasmine tea, add a whole lemon (juice) and honey!! Oh my goodness! It's so good! That combo is so delightful! Honey will soothe you're throat and it's just. TRY IT, even if you aren't sick! 

Anyways, I'm coughing a little and yea it hurts, took some Advil and it calmed the pain, but for some reason when I'm sick it is when I want to do the most, I do my chores, I continue doing my little projects, and making a lot of planning for this years Halloween! But I must sit down for a hot second because while it's hard to breathe in this condition for me, because asthma is upon me. 

So I decided to read a little, what am I reading? Well Harry Potter of course! Ha! Since the new book is out I decided to re read all the books just to re fresh my memory and I'm on the last book in the series! 

 

Also made some more tea but this time I pulled out my Alice in Wonderland tea that I got from downtown Disney! The flavor I'm drinking is Mint, I'm not. Big fan of mint but thought I'd give it a go! And I had to use my kitty mug! It is the exact color of my late cat Mitzy! Main reasons why I got it! She also had green eyes! I miss her! 

Also have my little note pad just in case I need to write something out! Ideas always come out of nowhere! 

Also using my iPad as I write this and listening to Glenn Miller 

 

Glenn Miller is my favorite I love listening to his different records! Especially when I'm working on things online! 

So after I write this blog post I'm going to start reading Harry Potter! I need to read more about Harry and Ginny because them together are my favorites! 

Thanks for reading this 

Sorry you had to, alright then bye! 

 

 Heart swells up with sadness
with a nostalgic mind

how i can go back

When,.. I have never been.

sadness is swallowing me whole

it wont chew me up

 making me feel everything 

all at once.