am i ok?

I refuse to be a victim. its been probably 6 to 7 years or even my whole life that ive been feeling like this. Don't know if im overly sensitive, or just constantly sad, or even have that dreadful depression. not sure, but what i do know is that i wont go to a doctor, i haven't seen the doc. for 6 years. im fine. but i don't want someone to tell me i have something and all they'll hand out is pills. im a stubborn person, the only way i'll take medicine is if im on my deathbed, which recently ive been walking right beside it. I don't make myself sad, the world makes me sad, the troubles, the hate.... i feel guilty for being happy, its not that i don't deserve to be happy but just thinking many are suffering at the moment. its a constant thought in my mind. then thinking "wow im so lucky to have the life that i do" and yet i feel im wasting it because im lost, not sure who i am, i mean, i know who i am but not quite sure what's my purpose. 

Sometimes i feel so out of place, i feel like i don't belong, i don't belong in this time. im always yearning to go back, but go back where? honestly i don't know, but its a strong feeling that im not from here, ok i know sounds crazy, but i don't care. its what i feel, and i cannot deny that.

am i from a different time? is this why i have a fascination of different time periods? are souls from different eras within  me? i don't know, i do believe in reincarnation because why not? but then again its my belief. ive just been distracting myself this whole time from feeling like this and no, im not sad all the time, i know my worth, i like myself somewhat, and if i don't like something physically or mentally about myself i try to change it. its just waves of feelings come over me and try to wash me away, but hey! im still standing and thats something i should be proud of. and to always have hope. days will be dark as the thought of loneliness but other days will be bright as the warmth of the sun when it hits you on the first day of summer. 

just a thought of the night. 

         and i welcome many more. 

       

                  Love, Carol.