So, I don't know where to start... well, first of all.. its morning which means im still asleep. I actually took one of those 5 hour energy shot and its kinda working... I can drink coffee but... i hate the taste of it... the smell is amazing! But the taste? Nope.
So you're probably wondering what youre going to read today.. im wondering the same thing.
Lately .. more like the past few years... I've been feeling sooooo unfulfilled, im in my mid 20's. (I MEAN IM STILL 19) and still have no idea what i want to do with my life... i think i have an idea but not sure where to start.
Sometimes i feel like i have so much sadness in my heart, for 2 reasons, my personal problems and most of all.. the problems in the world.. i feel too much and i hate it. I can enter a room and immediately feel what other people are feeling, happiness, excitement and especially sadness... i want to help people out but I want to help myself first, the way i feel can also affect the people around me, and yea i totally get that we cant always feel 100% all the time, we have to feel sad sometimes.. its part of being human. But this is a constant battle... the fact im still standing im not sure if im winning or losing.. im in the middle of it.
I also feel that i don't belong in this time period, yah, i know ..crazy! But i somehow feel like i had a past life in the 70's.. I don't know man, but i have a strong connection for the past, i like this quote from a movie that i love, " Nostalgia, is denial of the painful present," The name for this denial is golden age thinking the erroneous notion that different time period is better than the one one's living in. It's a flow in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present. -A Midnight in Paris
That little quote resonated with me for quite some time, and i think because it's not that i had a past life, but i want to go back in time to my childhood and perhaps start all over again and maybe fix
where i went wrong, but also.. did i went wrong? Or am i meant to feel this way now? And will that follow up with my happiness?
Do you see my problem now? I have no idea what's going on
BUT! Regardless...... i have to focus on the NOW.. and that is all we got.. now and the future... but sometimes i cant stop feeling well.. this feeling..
i often feel like im waiting, and i know in some cases that's not ok...
but waiting for what? That's what I don't understand. Am i stalling? I do want to live my life, Am i waiting for the right person to come along and make my problems go away? Can people do that? Make them feel ok? But what if they feel the same way as i? And expect me to fix them?
Yea, i have soooo many questions.. but that's all i do! Ask myself what's wrong with me..
Sometimes i cant think... it feels like my mind is too cluttered, but then i ask myself.. of what?
I'm young.. my mind should be fresh of new ideas and should have much room for new experiences, as im writing this im taking long pauses and just stare at the chair across me.. listening to The Aviator soundtrack music filled with wonderful 40's music and just imagine myself sitting by the fire, and in front of me with the person i love the most, and just enjoying eachother's company... no talking... just feeling, its the most powerful connection. Also wishing i could dance...i have no rhythm.
Anyways...
I have many problems i am going through and what i wrote above is not even the beginning but that's another story and shall be told another time,
I'm slowly realizing that only i can save me, i am a warrior of my own life. No one knows what goes through my head only me, no one understands me better than me.
Some days are shit. But just because a day or many days are crap doesn't mean your whole life is...
I think about life a lot and think why am i here and not there... well... this is my life here and now. so i better make the best of it for right now...
no matter what im going to try and make an effort to do what feels right and not think about should've could've, would've
I don't want that to destroy my spirit.
And to finally see what potential i have.
So these are my thoughts for this morning and trust me i have many of those, will i make sense.. probably not, but hopefully someone out there understands what's going on with me
K thankssss byyeeee
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