moving

So im using a random subject generator to write everyday in this blog soo here it goes..

Today's subject.. 'write about moving'

I like moving in but not moving out... moving out is sooo dreadful! you dont realize how much crap you have until you pack them up! and moving in.. well thats an easy task! you get a fresh new canvas to decorate! decorating has to be the funnest part of a new place, plus its easier to keep clean, for the first week anyways... ive moved about 5 times? throughout my life.. 

we used to live in a trailer when i was about 2 years old and i vaguely remember those days.. dad used to record us a lot! (such a 90's dad with a camcorder on him at all times)

and i mention that because i think we have a tape from when we used to live there so i dont know if the little memories i have from living there are my own or from the home video..

i dont remember moving out of that place.. too young i suppose

next house... was an apartment, now this apartment doesnt look like an apartment at a first glance it actually looks like a giant house, i think there was 3 and ours was on the front so we got the front door apartment, this house was blue and used to called the La Casa Azul (the blue house) kinda like Frida Kahlo's home... i liked this place it was quite spacious, i mean at least that's what i thought as a child, it only had one living room and 3 bedrooms and kitchen of course... it was 5 of us girls and my parents, they always made it work.. so then i again dont remember moving out from La Casa Azul.

So after that we moved to some apartments that were about 5 mins away now these apartments LOOKED like apartments it literally looks like a box with doors and windows.. there was 4 apartments, ours was the second door, or apartment B, this is the place where i'd spent the most of my childhood.. i want to say i do remember moving in, i have this image in my head of seeing the upstair bedrooms empty, now I DO remember moving out from this place i was a bit older and my brain decided to record these memories, well dont remember the packing part but! i do remember that we have sent the all of our stuff to our new home, it was an hour and a half away! ive only lived in one city my whole life so this was big change, anyways.. i remember i'd take trips with my dad on the uhaul and the ride was terribly long! back then an hour felt like 5 hours! this house was HUGE! i mean, we did lived in a small apartment for almost 10 years, it was incredible! high ceilings a hall way! it was insane! we'd still have to share bedrooms with my sisters but still! 

i do remember when we arrived to unload the truck we'd put the stuff in the garage.. oh did i mentioned WE HAVE A GARAGE.. i dont know... i was amazed that we have this now.... since i was still a kid i dont remember packing my own stuff my mom still did pretty much everything for me at the time.. 

But i do recall moving out of that house i was bout 15 years old? i honestly dont remember.. i was in high school so i know that! this time i did packed my own things at this time both of my sisters have moved out and i had my own room which meant i did have mess.. i had a big box that i shoved anything and everything and i guess that wasn't a good idea and i didn't know how to pack.. you see. one does not put heavy precious things in the bottom of a big box.. and still fill it up with random crap on top.. it was too heavy! delicate things go on smaller boxes and big non heavy items on a big box.. let's just say i learned my lesson!... 

so those are my stories of moving out and in from homes that i can currently remember, 

moving is great i guess, it gives you a chance to start fresh! and to get things a bit more organized for a bit haha. 

i wrote this at 6am i was still asleep so pardon all my grammar mistakes!... k thaaanksssss 

No one is saving me

So, I don't know where to start... well, first of all.. its morning which means im still asleep. I actually took one of those 5 hour energy shot and its kinda working... I can drink coffee but... i hate the taste of it... the smell is amazing! But the taste? Nope. 

So you're probably wondering what youre going to read today.. im wondering the same thing. 

Lately .. more like the past few years... I've been feeling sooooo unfulfilled, im in my mid 20's. (I MEAN IM STILL 19)  and still have no idea what i want to do with my life... i think i have an idea but not sure where to start.

Sometimes i feel like i have so much sadness in my heart, for 2 reasons, my personal problems and most of all.. the problems in the world.. i feel too much and i hate it. I can enter a room and immediately feel what other people are feeling, happiness, excitement and especially sadness... i want to help people out but I want to help myself first, the way i feel can also affect the people around me, and yea i totally get that we cant always feel 100% all the time, we have to feel sad sometimes.. its part of being human. But this is a constant battle... the fact im still standing im not sure if im winning or losing.. im in the middle of it. 

I also feel that i don't belong in this time period, yah, i know ..crazy! But i somehow feel like i had a past life in the 70's.. I don't know man, but i have a strong connection for the past, i like this quote from a movie that i love, " Nostalgia, is denial of the painful present," The name for this denial is golden age thinking the erroneous notion that different time period is better than the one one's living in. It's a flow in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present. -A Midnight in Paris

That little quote resonated with me for quite some time, and i think because it's not that i had a past life, but i want to go back in time to my childhood and perhaps start all over again and maybe fix 

where i went wrong, but also.. did i went wrong? Or am i meant to feel this way now? And will that follow up with my happiness? 

Do you see my problem now? I have no idea what's going on 

BUT! Regardless...... i have to focus on the NOW.. and that is all we got.. now and the future... but sometimes i cant stop feeling well.. this feeling.. 

i often feel like im waiting, and i know in some cases that's not ok... 

but waiting for what? That's what I don't understand. Am i stalling? I do want to live my life, Am i waiting for the right person to come along and make my problems go away? Can people do that? Make them feel ok? But what if they feel the same way as i? And expect me to fix them?  

Yea, i have soooo many questions.. but that's all i do! Ask myself what's wrong with me..

Sometimes i cant think... it feels like my mind is too cluttered, but then i ask myself.. of what? 

I'm young.. my mind should be fresh of new ideas and should have much room for new experiences, as im writing this im taking long pauses and just stare at the chair across me.. listening to The Aviator soundtrack music filled with wonderful 40's music and just imagine myself sitting by the fire, and in front of me with the person i love the most, and just enjoying eachother's company... no talking... just feeling, its the most powerful connection. Also wishing i could dance...i have no rhythm.

Anyways...

I have many problems i am going through and what i wrote above is not even the beginning but that's another story and shall be told another time, 

I'm slowly realizing that only i can save me, i am a warrior of my own life. No one knows what goes through my head only me, no one understands me better than me.

Some days are shit. But just because a day or many days are crap doesn't mean your whole life is...

I think about life a lot and think why am i here and not there... well... this is my life here and now. so i better make the best of it for right now...  

no matter what im going to try and make an effort to do what feels right and not think about should've  could've, would've 

I don't want that to destroy my spirit. 

And to finally see what potential i have. 

So these are my thoughts for this morning and trust me i have many of those, will i make sense.. probably not, but hopefully someone out there understands what's going on with me

K thankssss byyeeee  

Put a Bullet in my brain

Put a Bullet in my brain 

and make my pain marvelous,

 make me relive my happiest moments of my waking life.

Don't be afraid to let go because i already have, 

im not going to change my mind, for it already had changed.

i wont miss the Sun or the Moon

 for they are in me

i AM the Sun and Moon.

Dont cry, 

the Oceans, Lakes and the Rivers are full of many tears. 

i cannot stay.

(unfinished)

am i ok?

I refuse to be a victim. its been probably 6 to 7 years or even my whole life that ive been feeling like this. Don't know if im overly sensitive, or just constantly sad, or even have that dreadful depression. not sure, but what i do know is that i wont go to a doctor, i haven't seen the doc. for 6 years. im fine. but i don't want someone to tell me i have something and all they'll hand out is pills. im a stubborn person, the only way i'll take medicine is if im on my deathbed, which recently ive been walking right beside it. I don't make myself sad, the world makes me sad, the troubles, the hate.... i feel guilty for being happy, its not that i don't deserve to be happy but just thinking many are suffering at the moment. its a constant thought in my mind. then thinking "wow im so lucky to have the life that i do" and yet i feel im wasting it because im lost, not sure who i am, i mean, i know who i am but not quite sure what's my purpose. 

Sometimes i feel so out of place, i feel like i don't belong, i don't belong in this time. im always yearning to go back, but go back where? honestly i don't know, but its a strong feeling that im not from here, ok i know sounds crazy, but i don't care. its what i feel, and i cannot deny that.

am i from a different time? is this why i have a fascination of different time periods? are souls from different eras within  me? i don't know, i do believe in reincarnation because why not? but then again its my belief. ive just been distracting myself this whole time from feeling like this and no, im not sad all the time, i know my worth, i like myself somewhat, and if i don't like something physically or mentally about myself i try to change it. its just waves of feelings come over me and try to wash me away, but hey! im still standing and thats something i should be proud of. and to always have hope. days will be dark as the thought of loneliness but other days will be bright as the warmth of the sun when it hits you on the first day of summer. 

just a thought of the night. 

         and i welcome many more. 

       

                  Love, Carol.